Dear Self,

Let's make it easier on the both of us and avoid getting full blown sick this week.  Feel free to do what you need to starting next Tuesday.  Until then I need you at full capacity.  Thanks.  You're the best!

Sincerely,
Kristen

What I Wish I Would Have Known

I am not sure what inspired it, but I decided to peruse through some of my old pictures from high school on my computer.  They bring back so many memories.  High school is an interesting time, really.  Looking back, I can see it was an incredible time of growth for me, one that set the stage for the next stage of my life: college.  I had some incredible friends in high school and the pictures I saw reminded me of some memories that I believe will always be important to me.  We had some great times together.  But I was also reminded that high school is not easy.  Anyone who tells you it is clearly does not remember what it is really like.  My stroll down memory lane made me reflect on how much I have changed and grown in the past five years.  Here are five lessons that I wish I would have understood then (along with the picture that inspired them):

Lesson #1: You Don't Have to be Perfect to be Important

Yes, that is an ACT prep book in my hand.  Yes, I was on a plane, on my way to Disneyland.  And yes, I was going to be taking the ACT on my vacation, in California.  That perfect GPA and those extra few points on the ACT meant everything to me at the time, and I often based my own sense of self-worth on how well I met my unrealistic definition of "success."  I spent so much time stressing about being "perfect" that I forgot to take time to celebrate my successes.  I did not fully understand that my "achievements" were not what defined who I am.  It was the way I treated other people, my hard work, and my relationship with my Savior that truly defined who I was.  Looking back now, those things seem so unimportant, so trivial.  And I am willing to bet that my friends from high school would not say that they were friends with me because I got good grades.  

Lesson #2: Enjoy the Simple Moments 

This picture depicts one of my favorite memories from high school.  It happened rather spontaneously, without planning, and without inviting large groups of people.  It was just me and two of my best friends (I cannot remember where Emmilie was for this one...) and an elementary school playground.  I have come to realize that these are the moments that I live for.  The moments when you are with people who you can be yourself with.  The moments when you can forget any worries you might have about the future and just enjoy being together.  The moments when you realize how blessed you really are.  My favorite memories throughout my life often come in simple "moments," without announcement, and with very little grandeur.

Lesson #3: Be Grateful for the Friends Who Are Always There 

These three girls were my staple through high school.  I could have never gotten through those four years without them.  I could always count on them to be there, even when I thought I could do things alone.  And I have learned that I love having friends that no matter how long we've been apart, when we are together, it is as though no time has past.

Lesson #4: Be Grateful for the "Behind the Scenes" People 

I don't think I understood at the time how cool it was that both of these ladies took time out of their busy schedules to be at my high school graduation.  They did not have to be; I would not have thought any less of them if they were not.  But there they were, quietly offering their support and encouragement.  I know I wouldn't be where I am today without my "other moms."




Lesson #5: Family is Everything

I was never one of those teenagers who was constantly fighting with her parents, but I also don't think I realized just how much my parents cared about and just how much they were there to support me.  It is incredible that there are two people on this earth who love me unconditionally.  They have done so much to get me to where I am today, and I would not be the person I am without their support and love. I have begun to realize over the past four years just how ingenious the organization of the family is, and I am so grateful for mine.

Grateful

Yes, this is my very cliche, November, "I'm grateful for..." post.  And yes, I am re-posting the same video I posted last year.  Seriously though, I love this video!  I think that it is worth re-posting.  And I could use a reminder of everything that I have to be grateful for.  Here is my top ten "I'm grateful for..." list today (in no particular order):

1. UTA. I love being able to start and end my day by having time to myself.  And public transportation has become my favorite place to people watch; there are so many interesting people who ride the trax/bus!
2. Crunchy leaves.  Yup, I am one of those people who goes out of their way to step on a leaf that looks particularly crunchy.  I am still a four year old at heart.
3. Playdough.  Again, four year old at heart.  But this one has also gotten me through many classes in my college career.
4. Grad school.  Okay, this one is kind of broad.  And right now I need a reminder of this, but I love being in grad school!  I love learning everything I can about something; I love having way more reading assignments than I could possibly get through; I love sitting through three hour classes, trying to soak in everything that I can, realizing that there will always be things I don't know; I love assignments that make me think so hard that I want to scream and cry, then get really excited when I finally "get it."  I love the whole experience, although sometimes I have to remind myself of it.  It really is a unique time of my life, and I am trying to enjoy every step of the journey.
5. Falling asleep on the bus.  I don't know why it is, but the express buses have become my favorite place to nap in the afternoon/evenings.
6. Crunchy apples.  Over the past week I have eaten at least 10 apples, and every one brought me joy.  I love fall harvest time.
7. Hoodies.  I love wearing a big, warm, comfy hoodie on a cool day.  Especially when I am sick.
8. Mucinex.  That stuff is amazing.  Especially the liquid kind.
9. My job.  It is great always having an excuse for the bubbles, playdough, pretend food, and picture books in my back seat.
10. The Church's IT department.  Seriously, they are amazing.  I love having the entire standard works, church magazines, and basically every manual/book they have ever published with me all the time.

This

I listen to this song probably more than I should.  Easily three times a day.  I love it, for many reasons.  First, who doesn't love an attractive black man with a good voice?  I mean really, what's not to love?  Second, it encompasses my biggest goal: to be a wife and mother.  I like the idea that everything I am striving to become now is leading me toward that goal, no matter when it comes for me.  And third, it reflects an attitude that I am trying everyday to have: that today, right here, right now is amazing and that there are always things to be grateful for.  In the song, Darius relates every heartbreak, disappointment, and upset as something that led him to where he is now, with his wife and kids, but I think this attitude can be applied to any stage in life.  There will always be things we don't have that we would like - whether it be a spouse, children, a better job, more financial stability, a house, and the list goes on and on.  The point is that there are always things to be grateful for, things to find joy in everyday.

It is amazing what a great teacher hindsight can be sometimes.  Today I had a chance to reflect on where I was a year ago.  I knew exactly what I wanted: to go to grad school at BYU.  There really wasn't any other choice for me.  I think God probably got a good chuckle out of my plan. Even though I wanted that so badly, it didn't stop Him from taking my life in a different direction.  And I am so grateful for that.

As I was riding trax with some of my friends from school today, chatting and laughing with them, it suddenly hit me: if God had given me exactly what I wanted, I wouldn't be here right now.  I would not have met the girls I was talking and laughing with, I would not have met the client I have been getting to know at clinic, I would not be in the same classes or riding the same buses.  So many things would be different: from the stranger I talked to at the bus stop last week to the bus driver who had to turn around because I fell asleep on the back of the bus, to the sweet boy in my class who brought me a get well present when I was sick.  All of it would be different.  I firmly believe that everything in my life happens for a reason.  And today, right here, right now, despite all the unfulfilled hopes and dreams I have for the future, I am grateful for 'this.'

Grad School

Wow...so it has been a little while. At the time that I wrote my last post I had no idea where or if I would be going to grad school. I was still kind of secretely holding out hope that i would be accepted to BYU. The future seemed so uncertain. And though I may not have openly admitted it, I was scared. More so than I can ever remember, but part of that is likely my sketchy memory. I had overwhelming feelings of doubt and inadequacy that I generally tried to ignore. I felt as though everything that I had worked for in my undergrad was not good enough and at times I even started to question if I was good enough to make the dream that I had for the last three years come true. Then I took one of the biggest leaps of faith I can remember ever taking. Some people thought I was crazy, but looking back now I can see that it really was a turning point for me. My perspective started to change and I was suddenly much more open to following God's plan for my life instead of mine.

Well here I am, close to six months later. The future still seems so uncertain and I still get kind of scared every once in a while, but I have never felt more right about where I am and what I am doing with my life. I am a student at the University of Utah. I know, who would have thought, right? But honestly I couldn't be more excited about it. I already am so grateful for the friendships I am beginning to develop with people I would have never gotten to know otherwise. And the career path I am on leads me to someplace amazing. I have heard so many times that communication and language are the essence of what makes us human. To think that I will have a opportunity to help people communicate, to engage with other people, to become more "human" is incredible. You can cure someone of an infectious disease, help them learn to walk again following a traumatic accident, or help them get a job to support themselves, but without communication, a means to relate to and interact with people they care about and love, all those other things mean very little. I am getting to my destination in a different way than I would have thought just a year ago, but I am excited about where I am and I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for me.

Freedom and the Open Road

Monday I decided it was the perfect day to awaken my bike Comet from his long winter hibernation and expose him to the joys of spring. The months of our separation made me almost forget how much I love him. Something about the feeling of the wind in my face and my hair blowing behind me makes me forget about any problems I may have. A quick ride on Comet immediately makes the world a little brighter.

As I rode along the Provo River trail, I had some time to think. I tried to take everything in - the sound of the water, the view of the snow-capped mountains, the smell of the river, the couple sitting on a log by the river, engrossed in conversation, the teenager I passed on his skateboard...and suddenly, it hit me; Provo has really become home for me. I still love Riverton and will always claim it as my hometown, but in so many ways Provo has become my home away from home, and no longer just because it happens to be the city that BYU is located in. I have fallen in love with so many things about Provo: the nearby mountains, the families that I've gotten to know through my job, the frozen yogurt bars popping up on every corner, the signs advertising Bridal Fairs and diamond ring sales, the local businesses to help you stock up on food storage or put your 72 hour kit together, and the general sense of service and family values prevalent in the community.

I continued my ride along the route that Courtney and I took several times as kids (which by the way, not sure how I climbed that hill as a 10-year-old - I can barely do it as a 21-year-old) and I realized part of why I love Provo. In a sense, it represents my child-like innocence and hope. As a 10-year-old the world was at my fingertips. I could accomplish anything. As I ride the streets of Provo with Comet I am taken back to this part of my childhood, and I know, once again, that I can overcome any obstacle.

My view as I rode down the hill toward Riverwoods (shockingly enough no one was harmed in the taking of this picture):

Dear Grad Schools,

I've been thinking. We really should work things out between us. Maybe this month could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. One lasting approximately two years. I anxiously await your response.

Yours Truly,

Kristen

Continue in Patience

"Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue...Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace...Our Heavenly Father knows what good parents come to understand over time: if children are ever going to mature and reach their potential, they must learn to wait."

Lately I've felt like Heavenly Father is putting me through this purifying process he calls patience. There seems to be something He wants me to learn. I can't think of another time in my life that I've had to wait like I have the past two months. A month of waiting for responses from grad schools only to find that I had another month or two of waiting. I'm on the waiting list at all three of the grad schools I applied to.

At first I felt so confused. I have been working for this for the past three years. Everything has always felt so right. I know I have been far from perfect, but I've been trying the best I can. Why is everything going wrong for something that feels so right? Never before has President Uchtdorf's message seemed so applicable: "Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer....But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways."

I don't know how all of this will work out. And to be honest, I'm scared out of my mind. I feel like I'm standing next to a door, trying to open it, but no matter what I do, I don't have the tools to get it open. On the other side is something great. I don't know what it is and I don't know when I'll be able to open that door. But I do know that the day will come. God has something great planned for me. And meanwhile I need to keep pushing forward, exercising my faith in Him, and as President Uchtdorf says, "working, hoping, and exercising faith."

Faith

"Thank you for your recent application for admission to graduate study at Brigham Young University. We regret to inform you that the Communication Disorders MS program has not recommended you for admission for Spring 2011."

A week ago these words completely knocked me off my feet. I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. This was what I had been working for ever since I changed my major three years ago. I love BYU and knew that I wanted to stay here for graduate school. How could this be happening? What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I good enough? For a while I just cried. Then I texted Courtney. I hated having to tell people that I didn't get in. I felt disappointed, inadequate, frustrated, but most of all scared. I've always planned on attending graduate school at BYU. I couldn't see myself going anywhere else. I literally didn't know where to turn or what to do.

Over the next few days I was amazed at the love and support I got from my friends, family, and co-workers. That night I came home to a bag full of my favorite treats with a card from Courtney. I received several texts from co-workers making sure I was okay and offering their encouragement. My boss took the time to tell me how grateful she's been to have a part in my development as an early interventionist and how valuable I've been to the program. I had several conversations with different family members who strengthened me with their faith and encouraged me with their love. I began to see things in a different light. I'm definitely far from perfect, but I'm doing the best I can. Heavenly Father has a plan for me. And apparently His plan is different than mine with this, but I know that as I continue to try to have faith in Him, everything will work out and I'll end up at the school that is best for me.

Faith is an interesting thing really. Alma taught that to have faith is to hope for things which are not seen, which are true. The not seen part is what always gets to me. Taking that step forward into the darkness is always scary in the moment. But I have never regretted exercising faith in Christ. I don't know what the next couple of weeks or months will hold for me, but I do know that with Him by my side I cannot fail.