Continue in Patience

"Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue...Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace...Our Heavenly Father knows what good parents come to understand over time: if children are ever going to mature and reach their potential, they must learn to wait."

Lately I've felt like Heavenly Father is putting me through this purifying process he calls patience. There seems to be something He wants me to learn. I can't think of another time in my life that I've had to wait like I have the past two months. A month of waiting for responses from grad schools only to find that I had another month or two of waiting. I'm on the waiting list at all three of the grad schools I applied to.

At first I felt so confused. I have been working for this for the past three years. Everything has always felt so right. I know I have been far from perfect, but I've been trying the best I can. Why is everything going wrong for something that feels so right? Never before has President Uchtdorf's message seemed so applicable: "Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer....But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways."

I don't know how all of this will work out. And to be honest, I'm scared out of my mind. I feel like I'm standing next to a door, trying to open it, but no matter what I do, I don't have the tools to get it open. On the other side is something great. I don't know what it is and I don't know when I'll be able to open that door. But I do know that the day will come. God has something great planned for me. And meanwhile I need to keep pushing forward, exercising my faith in Him, and as President Uchtdorf says, "working, hoping, and exercising faith."

Faith

"Thank you for your recent application for admission to graduate study at Brigham Young University. We regret to inform you that the Communication Disorders MS program has not recommended you for admission for Spring 2011."

A week ago these words completely knocked me off my feet. I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. This was what I had been working for ever since I changed my major three years ago. I love BYU and knew that I wanted to stay here for graduate school. How could this be happening? What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I good enough? For a while I just cried. Then I texted Courtney. I hated having to tell people that I didn't get in. I felt disappointed, inadequate, frustrated, but most of all scared. I've always planned on attending graduate school at BYU. I couldn't see myself going anywhere else. I literally didn't know where to turn or what to do.

Over the next few days I was amazed at the love and support I got from my friends, family, and co-workers. That night I came home to a bag full of my favorite treats with a card from Courtney. I received several texts from co-workers making sure I was okay and offering their encouragement. My boss took the time to tell me how grateful she's been to have a part in my development as an early interventionist and how valuable I've been to the program. I had several conversations with different family members who strengthened me with their faith and encouraged me with their love. I began to see things in a different light. I'm definitely far from perfect, but I'm doing the best I can. Heavenly Father has a plan for me. And apparently His plan is different than mine with this, but I know that as I continue to try to have faith in Him, everything will work out and I'll end up at the school that is best for me.

Faith is an interesting thing really. Alma taught that to have faith is to hope for things which are not seen, which are true. The not seen part is what always gets to me. Taking that step forward into the darkness is always scary in the moment. But I have never regretted exercising faith in Christ. I don't know what the next couple of weeks or months will hold for me, but I do know that with Him by my side I cannot fail.